We experience events of conflict in our lives and our emotional reactions to them as our personal truth and that truth is entirely valid. However, oftentimes, we base our perceptions on our own subjective understanding of reality, which is part of our worldview. Our worldview is informed by various factors, including our experiences, our education, our ideological perspectives, our cultural and subcultural influences, our values, our beliefs, etc.

This subjective understanding of reality is necessarily limited and unfortunately can lead to stereotyping others based on lack of information and implicit biases. Information that runs counter to our worldview often provokes cognitive dissonance, a phenomenon that occurs when our minds have trouble processing and integrating new concepts, which may cause us to immediately reject them.

Thus, our perception of a conflict is often based on our interpretations of the events through the lens of our worldview. This interpretation means our own perceptions do not always reflect the perceptions of others, who also operate according to their subjective understanding of reality. Often, conflicts can be addressed more effectively if we engage in perception checking, which is a way to check in with others and inquire about their perspective in a conflict rather than relying on assumptions.

Many conflicts escalate because people interpret events differently, which can lead to misunderstandings, escalation, and strife. To avoid such outcomes, two parties in conflict can check each other’s perceptions, assuming both parties are acting in good faith and want to cultivate a good relationship with one another. Perception checking works best when paired with nonviolent communication — that is to say, when we try to communicate in ways that avoid conveying judgment or shame.

Perception checking has three parts (Froemling, Grice and Skinner 2011):

*Describe the behavior you noticed neutrally without judgment.

“When you ______….”  (neutral description of the behavior)

*Suggest possible interpretations of the behavior.

“I wasn’t sure if __________, or something else was happening” (your guess/interpretation without judgment)

*Ask for clarification about how they perceived the behavior or what they are experiencing in life.

“What was going on for you?” (request for clarification).

* * *

Note: Just because two parties interpret a sequence of events differently does not mean no harm was inflicted by one or both parties. Similarly, if someone reveals during a perception check that they did not intend to cause harm, that does not mean harm did not occur. Intention does not equal impact.

However, engaging in perception checking allows each party to feel heard, which is often necessary for addressing conflict, and to save face, meaning to keep their reputation with the other person in good standing. Thus, perception checking is a valuable skill when people feel safe enough to continue to engage with one another in a productive manner.

Consider conflict situations you have experienced in the past.

*How did your own worldview influence how you interpreted the events?

*Did you check the perceptions of others do see if your interpretation of their behavior was accurate?

*Did the other party check your perceptions? If so, what was the outcome? If so, did you learn something new?

*If not, do you think perception checking would have helped you better understand each other’s perspective better?

References

Froemling, Kristin K, George L. Grice, and John F. Skinner. 2011. “Chapter 2: Perception of the Self and Other.” In Communication: The Handbook, 30-49. Boston, MA: Allyn and Bacon, Pearson. 

McLeod, Saul. 2020. “Piaget’s Stages of Cognitive Development.” Simply Psychology, December 7.

McLeod, Saul. 2023. “What Is Cognitive Dissonance Theory?” Simply Psychology, October 24.