Nonviolent Communication and “I” Statements

Engaging with conflict in higher education is a complex matter. As this training draws to a close, we would therefore like to equip you with a new resource — “I”-Statements —  which you can integrate into your daily working and personal life. We hope that this script will help you navigate conflict productively in the future. 

How can we communicate about our feelings and needs without escalating conflict situations? A psychologist named Marshall Rosenberg attempted to answer this question by developing nonviolent communication (NVC). 

When we are feeling threatened, we often become defensive, which may lead to us lashing out, shutting down, or trying to soothe someone without stating out own needs. While not physically violent, these behaviors can be considered emotional violence. These responses are often automated, or unconscious, meaning they are survival mechanisms that have helped us feel safe at some point in our development. However, they are not always well-suited toward getting out needs consistently met and mutually fulfilling relationships.

Instead, Nonviolent communication recommends practicing a type of mindfulness in which one observes their own emotional state. This observational state allows them to become able to communicate those emotions and their underlying needs without blaming, accusing, or judging the other person. Of course, this last part can be challenging when in conflict situations, which is why practicing scripts is helpful.

Watch this short video introduction by Happiness com. called “WHAT IS: Non Violent Communication”:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L3rBTChHs8

Note: If you enjoyed this video, you may want to explore other videos on Happiness.com’s YouTube page, many of which are on topics applicable to cultivating greater peace in our lives. 

“I” Statements are a form of nonviolent communication. In this course, we use the “I” Statement script developed by the Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution and Conflict Management (2000). The script builds upon skills we have been practicing in one of the previous modules: namely being able to identify feelings, interests, and needs.

We recommend trying the script throughout the week, whether just for practice or within conflict situations:

“I felt ______ (describe your own feeling without judgment)

when _______ (describe the other person’s action or behavior neutrally)

because ______ (describe the need or value that you have underlying this response).

Can we try ________ ? (offer a potential solution that will benefit both of you, working toward a common agreement where everyone can win if possible)”

Personal example: “I felt scared when you did not come home until midnight because I have a need to know that you are safe. Can we try agreeing upon a time when you will be home, such as 9pm?”

Academic examples:

“I felt annoyed when you interrupted me because I need to feel free to share my perspective. Can we try active listening techniques, like repeating what we’ve understood from the other person?”

“I felt dismissed when you said that I was wrong because I need the evidence for my argument to be considered as valuable as a member of this group. Can we try looking at the evidence together?” 

* * *

Reflect upon conversations around conflict you have had recently. 

• * Have you ever experienced language becoming violent?
• * Do you find it challenging to communicate about your feelings or needs?
• * Do you have a tendency to place judgments on others by using thought-centered language rather than feeling centered descriptions?
• * Are you able to witness your own feelings and needs as an observer?
• * How might practicing nonviolent communication help improve your relationships with others?

References

Happiness com. (2017, 7 November). What is Non-Violent-Communication? What is NVC?. [Video]. YouTube.

Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution and Conflict Management and The Ohio Department of Education. (2000). Let’s Resolve Conflicts Together: Elementary School Classroom Activities. Conflict Management Week, May 1-7, 2000. Retrieved from ERIC.